Day after day

While for most our tragedy is in the rear view mirror - for us the pain remains unbearable at times.

Last week Karre’ and I took an end of summer vacation to the Outer Banks.  We rented a nice little house in Kill Devil Hills.  It was clean and comfortable – somewhere you would feel safe taking your family.  It rained every day that we were there but we were lucky enough to manage a trip to the water before the daily pour.  Each day we would see families on the beach.  Families of all ages, races, nationalities, personalities, etc.  We saw wee little ones with their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends.  We talked about how great that must be.  To have your whole family  together – enjoying the vacation.  We had each other and we spent the evenings eating good food, enjoying a few beers, watching Dexter and struggling with a puzzle.  It was not how we envisioned spending our August vacation week – but it was reality.

This first week back at work I have been exhausted.  I wondered whether or not it was my medication, getting caught up from a week away, or the annoying cats.  Then I wondered if it was sadness.  I am not really sure what it is – but I do know that today everything came to a head.  My Command had a picnic and most everyone had family there – husbands, wives, kids and on and on.  There were two 2 month old babies, a group of triplets, one set of twins and lots of little ones running around.  I do not know anyone very well at this command because I have been coming and going throughout the pregnancy and convalescent leave.  I sat at a picnic bench watching the kids play and the parents introducing their little ones to each other with pride.  I was under the impression that by this time I would have three little ones tagging along with me to Command functions.  I wanted to show off my beautiful wife and children.  Instead I sat in silence and watched until sadness took over me and I was forced to rush to my car before I exploded with emotion.  I certainly don’t fault people for beaming with joy over their families – and I certainly wasn’t going to rain on everyone else’s parade with my sob story – but I was not going to sit there and pretend to be happy.  I wanted to have a shirt on that said “sorry if I’m not overjoyed to meet your kids, mine died”. 

Instead I left.  I went back to my minivan – which was supposed to carry my family – and I drove away in tears.  I parked in a nearby lot and cried – for real cried for the first time in a long time.  I think that the picnic alone would have been ok, but with the accumulation of the last two weeks of emotion it ended up being the final straw. 

It has been over three months since Isaac, Maggie and Elijah left.  Sometimes I swear this is all still just a dream and that everything will be like it should be.  Then reality hits and I know that I am going to be living in this world of loss for the rest of my life.  Some will say that last statement sounds dramatic and that I should just move onward and upward – but it just isn’t that easy.  It just isn’t possible.  I am not asking for anybody’s sympathy or for anyone to follow me down my personal rabbit hole - just know that sometimes that is where I reside.  I try and take life day to day.  Karre’ and I get out into public – probably more so than we are really ready for, but we go and we are brave.  We enjoy the company of friends and at the same time we are content being together – alone – talking about what should have been.   

Someday

Someday I will be ok.  I have no idea when someday will get here - I think that it will be an eternity.  On August 6th it will be 3 months since I lost my babies.  Isaac, Maggie and Elijah came and went in the blink of an eye but they will be with me FOREVER.  They loved peanut butter ice cream and tilapia.  They loved it when Momma Karre' talked to them at night and listened to them through her stethascope.  Elijah was a momma's boy.  He sat the highest and he was always at the edge of my belly to be touched.  Maggie was fiesty and she popped out at the least opportune moments - but I miss her popping out moments now.  Isaac was strong and quiet.  He rarely showed himself.

I miss them SOOOOO much.  I can not describe how attached to their needs and likes you beome while they grow inside of you.  Karre' knew the curvature of their backs as she held them in her hands from the way they had pressed against my belly. 

There are many days I think about how unfair this whole situation has been.  I have wanted a baby for so long.  I was elated to have 3 growing inside of me.  Karre' and I read books for months after finding out that we were having 3 babies - but when I was doing so well we let the basics slide.   We let all the simple things we had read be forgotten. 

I don't do well seeing babies.  I go through phases where even thinking about chubby baby legs will break me down and drive me to tears.  I miss my babies, who they could have been and who they should have been.  Was I selfish to have 3 embryos transfered back - I don't know.  I could not bear the thought of "throwing" any of them away.  Issac and Maggie were donor embryos.  Elijah was my one DNA baby, and he had my chin.  I loved all three of them the same.  I grew all three in my womb and I knew all three of their personalities.  I love them SOOOO much and i miss them like crazy.  Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if i belong in a straight jacket because I feel so crazy over their loss. 

I believe in God.  I believe that my babies are with God.  I am mad - at God - I am mad that he has my babies and I don't.  I love you guys more than you  can imagine.  I would give my life today to bring you back - to have the life you deserved.  I sit here with tears in my eyes knowing that i will never love 3 beings as much as I love you and I ask that you forgive momma.  I would do anything to have you here on earth and in the arms of those who love you!  

Pile of Rocks

Every day I wake up with a pile of rocks on my chest.  The first challenge of every day is to take off a rock so that I can get out of bed.  The rest of the day progresses the same way – each daily task requires me to pull a rock off so that I can move forward.  Some days the rocks are so heavy I can barely get them off.  Other days the rocks seem to turn to pebbles and every day activities are easier to accomplish. 

No matter how light the pile of rocks are when I go to bed – even if I manage to clear the stack – they return through the night and weigh me down again the next morning.  

I have started to read books on grief.  There are not a lot of books written that solely discuss babies – but I have found one called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.  It discusses miscarriage, still birth, pre term birth and death of children up to a year old. 

Karre’ and I were so excited about the chance to raise triplets.  It was a club that we were overly joyed to join.  We had spent 22 weeks reading about pregnancy and about the trials, tribulations and joys of raising multiples.    Losing our babies was never something that we researched.  We knew that triplet pregnancies were high risk but we never understood why. 

 It just never felt like this could happen to us. 

Early Hello and Much to Soon Goodbye

Everything was going beyond well.  I was sailing through the pregnancy.  I could see no reason why I wouldn’t make it to week 24 (first chance at viability).

And then….

Friday, May 4^th started out a good day.  I attended the Budgeting For Baby class and then stopped to grab a burger at McDonald’s on base.  I had been feeling crampy during the class and thought to myself that it was different than anything I had felt before and maybe some food and water would help.  The cramps continued throughout the afternoon.  Our ice maker was scheduled to get worked on that day so I returned home to meet the repairman.  Karre’ came home from work early that day to deal with the fridge and I decided I should go lay down in bed.  When I got up at 5ish I was still cramping and Karre’ decided that we should go to labor and delivery at Portsmouth – just to make sure everything was ok.

It was the first time this had happened in the pregnancy and I assumed Braxton Hicks. At my routine OB appointment earlier in the week I had expressed my concern to the Dr that this being my first pregnancy I was nervous that I wouldn’t know if something wasn’t normal. 

The on-call Dr examined me and utilized the contraction monitor. Every time I told him I was having cramping the machine picked it up. The Dr that night told me that I was 1cm dilated, 50% effaced and that my cervix was 3 and a half.  He went on to explain that what I was feeling was just uterine irritability and that I was NOT in pre term labor - he also informed us that I had bacterial vaginosis (BV) and that he was going to give me an oral antibiotic to take. He explained that the uterine irritability was likely from the BV. We questioned the dilation and the effacement and he said that people go whole pregnancies dilated and that unless the cramping got worse I was fine. I asked him repeatedly if I should just go on bed rest at this point and he told me - no -that I was doing fine and I could continue regular living. I should mention that the current policy at Portsmouth is that there is no bed rest unless you show a clinical need (because of the increased risk for blood clots). They don't do cerclage for multiples anymore either - said studies show there is no proof they help multiples. At our regular appointment that week I had told my Dr that I had only been working half days for the last month and half and that on Monday the 7th I was putting myself on house arrest (looking back I think I did a lot of self doctoring). On Friday night we returned home – with a sigh of relief – everything was going to be ok.

On Saturday, May 5th Karre' and I attended the Tidewater Mothers of Multiples Consignment sale – we had been looking forward to it for weeks and I was not feeling any worse.  I continued to have cramping – but it continued to remain the same so Karre' and I drove to the Outer Banks for the night knowing that this was our last outing of the pregnancy (I was huge by this point). We checked into the hotel around 1100 and took a 2 hour nap.  We ventured out for lunch and spent about an hour checking out a few shops.  Looking back I realize that the fact I had a hard time sitting up at lunch time without intense pressure was a sign something just wasn’t right.  It was the first really hot weekend and I was spent after the hour of window shopping so we returned to the hotel around 3.  The rest of the afternoon we watched junky tv and fell in and out of sleep.  That evening we ordered pizza in and Karre’ had run out to get me some medicine to help me sleep.  At around 1130pm I started to not feel good and thought that maybe I just needed to go to the bathroom. For the next 2 hours it just got worse, I paced between the bed and the bathroom, I started to panic and was drenched in sweat when I finally woke Karre’ at 130am  and told her something just wasn't right and that something was bulging "down there".

She called 911.

My water broke on the gurney leaving the hotel, Isaac Keith Saunders Glover was born a few minutes later in the ambulance at 0203.  Isaac was 11 inches and weighed 1 pound .4 ounces.  Because they were only 22 weeks the decision was made in the ambulance that we would not life flight out to a hospital with a NICU.  I laid on the gurney, physically feeling numb.  Isaac was at the bottom of the gurney having attempts made to keep him stable until we reached the hospital – a measure that I was sure was just procedure because we weren’t driving to meet a helicopter that would rush us somewhere he could have long term life sustaining treatment.  When we got to the hospital they handed me Isaac and told me that he was gone.  I knew that wasn’t the case because I could see and feel his heart beating and he continued to slowly wiggle.  Karre' joined us in the room.  Autumn joined us somewhere in the early hours of the morning.  The Dr gave me medicine to attempt to stop the contractions in hope that we could keep the others inside. 

Two hours passed by and we really thought  that maybe just maybe the labor had stopped  -  I had not had any contractions since Isaac had joined us.  At 0412, while the nurse began to change out the tubing for my IV, I had one HUGE contraction and my water broke for the second time and out flew Maggie Rozena Saunders Glover.  Maggie was  10 ½  inches and weighed 13.5 ounces. 

We knew it was just a matter of time before our third child entered the world.   An ultrasound showed that he was feet down and headed toward the opening.  While we were waiting for his arrival we held Isaac and Maggie and tried to tell them how much we loved them and how sorry we were.  I tried holding Isaac and Maggie but soon after I would take them I would start to have contractions and I was scared to hurt them if the third baby came as suddenly as Maggie had.    

The contractions grew closer and closer together and at 0833 Elijah Carter Saunders Glover entered this world.  Elijah was 10 ½ inches and weighed 14 ounces.  We now had all three of our children with us and they were beautiful.

The Dr on Friday had been wrong.   I was obviously in preterm labor and he missed it.  We will never know what would have happened if he would have told us to return Saturday morning to ensure the cervix had not shortened or that I had not dilated anymore during the night.  We don’t know what would have happened if he had errored on the side of caution (with this being a triplet pregnancy) and kept us overnight.  There are so many what ifs and what could have beens. 

Isaac lived with us 3hrs 47min, Maggie 3hrs 41min and Elijah 1hr 52min.  Saying goodbye to them has been the hardest goodbye of my life and I wanted so badly to join them.  We miss them so much. 

                                                                  Isaac, Maggie and Elijah

Week 21 Day5

Another week is almost done!  I am not trying to rush the pregnancy but rather I am celebrating every week that we make it.  I have no reason to believe that we won't hit our next milestone of 24 weeks (that is when the Dr told us is the babies first strong chance for viability outside the womb). 

I have been getting a lot of questions regarding a due date and honestly we have no clue.  The Dr is not going to let us go past 36 weeks (Aug 11th).  Karre' has her bets on 34 weeks (Jul 28th).  I am still being stubborn and saying I can make it to 36 weeks - but I think that I am getting a better idea of why the likelihood isn't high. 

I already look full term - so I am wondering just how big I am going to get.  This week was the first where strangers have started to ask or rather tell me that I look like I am due any day now.  I just smile and tell them that I am hoping there are another 14-15 weeks to go.  The other comment that I have loved is that I shouldn't be working anymore : )  Well - you know you are right - The Dr said that I can go on house arrest when I am ready.  I have started taking some of the baby classes offered at the hospital but somewhere in the next 2 weeks I will just be staying home all day.

Everyone is moving and grooving in there.  It is really awesome when they all shift to one side or the other and my big belly is lopsided.   Poor Karre' thinks that I am in pain because sometimes I wince as they move around - I am not really in pain - but having three moving balls in there does tug you around.  I absolutely love putting my hand on the lumps they form and talking to them - it makes me even more excited for their arrival - but I want them to grow inside as long as they can.

This week we also met some awesome triplet moms who all belong to the Tidewater Mothers of multiples group.  It is awesome to know we will have them as a support network - they have so many funny stories and we look forward to getting to know them better.

We were given a  few shots of the gang at yesterday's check up - so here they are. Next big appt will be in 2 weeks when we will measure and see what they are weighing in at.

Baby A - This is the great shot that he gave us - still a boy : )

Baby B is still looking like an alien.  We have dubbed her womb nickname "roger" like the alien on American Dad.

Baby C - Our "little monkey" boy.  I always think that he looks like a monkey.

Week 19

We are at 19 weeks 6 days and going strong.  There is no doubt that we are well over half way there - now the big question is just how far will we go.  I am still going to be hopeful that I can make it to 36 weeks but please oh please I hope that we can at least get to 32.  The Dr has told us that 32-33 weeks is about average for triplets.

As for the babies - everyone looked great yesterday at the 20 week anatomy scan.  There is nothing showing up that is alarming the Dr's and we are happy to hear that.  When we had our scan at 14 weeks we were told that we were having 2 boys and a girl.  I am happy to report that at the 20 week scan it was confirmed - babies A and C are our little men and B is our little lady.  The boys are sitting high and low in the belly and she is hanging out in the middle.  At least now I know who to accuse when I feel them poking around in there. 

Here are our 19w5d pics.

Yesterday we were actually able to see the babies twice and during the first appointment we were able to catch the ultrasound on video.

http://youtu.be/axPy1qzT5r4

Karre' recently went on a business trip and requested a belly shot.  I had a hard time getting a good one - so I decided to send her this...

Before she left for her trip she had been trying so hard to hear what is going on in there - so while she was gone I got her stethoscope.  She has loved it!

I get pretty darn cranky and uncomfortable if I am not able to put my feet up mid day.  It is really rather pathetic but it is the way it is.  Last Saturday I was able to rest all day so that we were able to join our frinds at the Tides game.  We almost made it through the whole game - but I became uncomfortable sitting there. 

 All in all everything is going well.  I am growing very quickly - last week I gained 1.25 inches in my waist.  I weighed in at 199 pounds at the Dr's office yesterday.  My appetite is great.  I have stopped feeling gaggy and can actually make it through the 2 minute cycle on my toothbrush again : )  My legs have been super achy and the reflux has increased.  Someday I will tell you about almost  puking on Karre' at 0200 - I think that I would have had to have laughed. 

That is it for this week - below are a bunch of the pictures we were given yesterday - some are better than others.

Baby A

 

Baby B

Baby C

Week 18

Today marks week 18 - so we are most likely half way there.

Over the last month we have watched my belly and appetite grow.  This morning I weighed in at 192 pounds, the stretch marks are already appearing and my belly button is starting to vanish.  Our last appointment with the Doc was this past Tuesday and everyone looks GREAT!  I did let her know that all of my shoes are shrinking : )  Otherwise I feel pretty darn good.  I am only working half days now and by the time I get home in the afternoon all I want to do is lay down and relax.  Our Dr told us that they no longer prescribe bed rest because of the risk of blood clots but she did say that eventually I will be on house arrest.  Karre' and Auty have taken over 99% of the household chores and while I am still cooking my motivation to do so is waning. 

I had an appointment with the dietician 2 weeks ago.  I am now at 2600 calories a day.  Due to my "failed" 3 hour glucose test I was told not to consume more that 270g of carbs a day.  I say "failed" because there are differing opinions between the medical community and the nutrition folks.   It is not easy as I love me some carbs.

Karre' will be staying home with our family and has finally told her boss.  She has been asked to stay on part time - so we will give it a try and see what happens.  Between the cost of infant care and just wanting one of us to be the full time caregiver this is our best option as I still have 6 1/2 years before I hit 20 for  military retirement. 

My dad will be visiting us in about two weeks and of course we will be putting him to work - I think that he likes it : )  We just want to wrap up some projects that have been lingering and will continue to linger if not done once the kiddo's join us.  My mom will return in mid May for another visit. 

Well - I am happy to say that we don't have a lot to report at this point.  Everything is going very well.  In fact today while we were checking out a childrens consignment shop the owner  who was a mother of twins  was super shocked that I was out and about.  I keep my weekend trips short - but I will continue to get out until my body or the Dr tells me not to.   Another one of our new favorite hobbies is to read other triplet blogs.

These are the week 17 shots in order A, B and C.  April 19th is our next ultrasound with the good machine - so stay tuned for more detailed pictures!

Talk to everyone soon